I’m afraid of neutrality

I’ve just posted a new emotion in my library – Neutral. In there I mention that this is the one emotion I would like to transform. I realise that there is a big part of me that craves neutrality – I like the peace and balance it implies but there’s another part of me that’s afraid of it’s blandness and potential for ‘numbing out’,

Every summer at school I would shuffle home with end of year reports that declared that I was ‘Average’, ‘Could do better’, ‘Pleasant’, ‘Easy’. Oh my god! I quickly came to cringe at the inevitablity of these reports. Why couldn’t they say I showed great promise, that I was entertaining, delightful, a joy to teach?
What was I supposed to do with being told I was average? No-one got inspired by being middle-of-the-road. Even now I shudder.

So a lot of me still sees myself as a shade of grey – safe and soft. As I say, I revert to it easily but as today has shown – a day of seemingly average-ness – I really, really want to see what it takes to spice things up a bit. I’m not talking about being dangerous I’m just talking about feeling things a bit more. If I’m feeling peaceful then I want to be conciously aware of the joy of peacefulness.

So Neutrality – you need some working upon. I think perhaps we’re talking about doing something a little rebellious when I find myself in this state? Or maybe its a matter of just sensing more deeply – appreciating more – the peace that I’m in.

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