Tonight I’m finding myself in a very different place from yesterday. After a lovely day completing Christmas shopping with the children and feeling a wonderful sense of unity with them, I had moved from self-doubt to a conciousness of Flow.
Then came a phone call from Guy.
His father is very ill in hospital at the moment and he is understandably worried. He wants to visit him, but he wants to do it around work commitments. He wants to go on Friday and come back on the night of Christmas Eve.
I’m not at all proud to say that I wasn’t altogether understanding. The part of me that wants our children to have a special Christmas time with us as a family, the part of me that is afraid of what missing their Dad does to our children, the part of me that really misses Guy, balked. And yet, I knew that sounded terrible. Of course his Dad is top priority right now.
And so a dance has begun inside of me – the pull of what my ego wants and what in the grand scheme of things is about an honouring of something very big – the bond of father and son – eternal love nurtured over 57 years. It’s hard to express, but I know that this for Guy IS bigger than our Christmas this year and that it’s important that I let that be.
I have been helped in this realisation by a friend who (probably not-so) serendipitiously sent me this extraordinary video tonight. I urge you to watch it. It explains such a lot to me about these two sides we have inside – the conciousness of something much, much bigger than ourselves and, at the same time, the conciousness of ourselves as separate and unique.